Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I want my damn sister

I'm in a funk again. Or maybe I never really left the one I was in. I want my damn sister. Liz, Kate and I have all been thinking about her. I was ready to post an epic comment when Liz bared her soul here, but I figured it would be better to just get it all out on my own blog. I am starting to believe that there is NOTHING that really makes the pain better. I dont get comfort, in the notion that my sister didn't die in vain, or even to serve some greater purpose. Not even God could save her. He did not do it to punish her, or us. He did not do it to teach us a lesson, he did not do it because I had done some sort of evil. He did not do it becasue she had done something evil. Not long before she passed I read the book "when bad things happen to good people" , and it really changed my life. While it does not give the awnsers of why, it explains why there really is no awnser at all. God created nature, and along with that came disease and illness, which sometimes proves fatal. He does not pick and choose who is affected. It is just not the way nature works. He does however cry with us. He is just as sad to see one of us suffer. Our faith would not be what it is if God initervend on behalf of the pure of heart. While I do not believe that he controls us, or intervenes in the laws of nature, I do believe that he presents us with opportunity. My sister could just have eaisly fallen to cancer. The last time I talked to her I was completly honest with her, and the fact that I found it hard to be as strong as she was. She asked me "if someone told you tommorow you were as sick as I am and that you were not going to live what would you do?" My awnser then was the same as it is now. I don't know. But that is ok. I don't ahve to know. I have to take each day, and do my best to be greatful. To apreciate that I even woke up that day. She was in so much pain, and still she managed to have an amazing poize, and grace. I am ashamed that I do not wake up like that every day. It is hard to be thankful for each day when each day is another day without her. Her birthday was hard, and I thought once it passed things would start to get better. But they just haven't. My heart hurts, no matter how hard I try to ignore, or supress or hide it. What is worse, is that I can forget that she is gone. Since she lived in Arkansas, and I live in Florida we didn't talk constantly. I cannot count the times where I have thought about calling her, and only then remember that she isn't there to call anymore. I just expect her to be there. It does not help that I keep having a recurring dream that she did not die. She was my best friend. When I needed advice, or wanted to hear someone tell me good job, or keep your chin up, she was there. Sure, there are lots of people who will do that for me, but it just isn't the same. I need that bond. I want to feel that comfortable with someone. I want to cry to someone without having to feel like I have to hold back. I cannot be that free with anyone right now. Monkey worries about me constantly, as does mom. I do not want to add to their worry with my tears. I just want to sit down with someone who will hold my hand and listen, and let my cry. Someone who will cry with me, and let me say the not so nice things that are eating me up without trying to explain them, or repremand me for it. I'm mad, i'm sad, i'm hurt, and I want my sister.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Moving forward....

The time is now.

I feel as though up until this point I have been in limbo. Since my sister's passing I have been waiting. Waiting for days, waiting for things to happen, waiting for signs, answers, clues. I don't know that I have been given all that I have been searching for, but I know that now is the time for me to start a new journey. This year is going to be a whirlwind of change. I know that the 3-day walk is going to change me. I hope to be able to change my eating and exercise habits in the process. I am looking forward to the emotionally and mental changes the walk will bring. Not one person whom I have spoken to about the walk has said that it was anything less than life-altering. Proudly, I am now for the first time in my life a real college student. I put off taking any sort of courses for years for fear that they would be wasted on me. I never could decide what I wanted to do when I grew up. I am now enrolled, and working on becoming a medical transcriptionist. I will be able to find a job where I can work from home on my own schedule. I am just not cut out for a 9 to 5. I don't do mornings, and I am becoming increasingly cynical towards society. To be blunt I am sick and tired of the stupidity of the public. I do not understand how people make it through life when they cannot understand the most simple of concepts. Also, in the next year or two John and I will be thinking about expanding our family, and this position will make raising children the way I always hoped for a reality. I am beginning to feel like an adult, and not just a child playing dress up. I have known for a long time that I am much more mature than most people my age, but I am only now accepting this, and allowing myself to embrace it. I have fought it for far too long, and was not comfortable in my own skin because of it. I am ready to start leaving my mark on this world. The time to start moving forward is right now. I leave you with this clip from the 3-day. I only hope it inspires YOU to leave your mark, in whatever way that may be.